Dear Childe Harold

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.” ― Oscar Wilde

“He doesn’t look anything like Henry.”

“He looks exactly like Henry.”

“He’s so beautiful.”

“Why does he make that noise like he’s rabid?”

“Holy shit. Are you seeing this? He looks like he’s going to rip my nipple off with his gums.”

“Good God. Why does he cry like we’re sawing off his foot without anesthesia? Henry didn’t cry like this did he?”
“He cried exactly like this.”

“He’s freaking me out.”

“Did Henry keep sticking his tongue out like that? Look at that. Why does he stick his tongue out like that?”

“He’s making these sticky bubbles. It’s very thick and gooey looking.”

“Why does he keep grunting like that? I can’t stand it.”

“Did Henry fart this much?”

“Henry did not fart like this. I don’t remember Henry farting at all.”
“You really don’t remember?”

“Harold! Did you hear that? Holy Moses this kid farts like he’s had too many tacos.”

“Why isn’t he pooping?”

“Oh my God. Look at this poop! It’s like three days worth of poop all at once. It’s like a bomb went off in here. It’s like he emptied his entire bowl system.”

“Why does he hold on to his poop like that?”

“He’s got problems.”

“Just let it out Harold. That’s it Harold.”
“Henry can you cry like Harold?”
“Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!”
“Nice.”

“He keeps chewing on my T-shirt. It feels like nails on chalkboard. Gives me the heebie geebies.”

“God, this kid spits up so much. Henry didn’t spit up like this did he?”

“Great. He just peed all over his new onesie. What an asshole.”

“I want to drop kick him like a football.”
“Whoa! There he goes. Waaaaaah!” [Fadeout effect]

“Harold and I were battling it out last night. I think I won.”

“He pisses me off so much.”

“He makes me so angry.”

“I’ve been up for two and a half hours. He won’t sleep. I hate him right now.”

“He hates it when I pinch his nose like this.” [Pinches his nose like this.]

“Why did we do this? We were happy. Why did we have another one?”

“I’m not having another baby. I don’t care if I don’t have a daughter.”

“This kid is kicking my ass.”

“You know, no one tells you your kids will make you feel the worst you’ve ever felt about yourself.”

“I’m a bad mother. I yelled at Henry all day it feels like. I was a bad mother. Today. I have to add ‘today’ because if I don’t I might not be able to get up tomorrow.”

“Look. He’s smiling at me. Why won’t you sleep, Harold? It’s 4 AM.”

“Why won’t he sleep at 4 AM?”

“Why the fuck does he keep waking up at 4 AM?”

“I have no idea who he looks like.”

“He’s got such gorgeous almond-shaped eyes.”

“He looks just like Henry.”

“Look how fat this kid is.”

“God, he is so fat.”

“I finally got my chubby baby.”

“This kid is huge.”

“I’m going to call him Moose.”
“No.”

“He’s going to play football.”
“No.”

“His head is huge.”

“This kid is so strong. Look at him lifting his head.”

“Babe! He rolled over and he’s only 7 weeks old.”
“Moose.”

“Hawold kick me.”
“Harold didn’t kick you, Henry.”

“Henry, stop slapping Harold.”

“I punch Hawold. Hahahaha!”
“No punching Harold in the head, Henry.”

“Don’t twist his feet, Henry.”

“Stop yelling please. You’re scaring him.”

“You have to be gentle with the baby, Henry.”

“I kiss Hawold.”

“Bless you Hawold.”

“I wash Hawold. I wash Hawold. I WASH HAWOLD.”

“Henry, don’t squeeze Harold’s pee-pee, please.”

“Look. I’m clearing off Harold’s cradle cap.” [Strokes top of Harold’s head with stubbly chin.]

“You are not the Batman. I am the Batman. You are not the Batman. I am the Batman. You are not the Batman. I am the Batman.” [Repeat.]

“THC gets into breast milk.”
“It’s very lipophilic.”
[SIGH.]

“You’re lucky you’re so cute. Otherwise we would have left you at the gas station back there.”

“Hey, Harold, are you hot? Are you cold? Maybe you’re hot. No, I don’t think you’re hot. Maybe you’re cold.”

“He’s actually a pretty easy baby.”

“You’re such a good baby.”

“Mommy loves you so much, my sweet Harold. My Childe Harold…. There is a pleasure in the pathless woods; There is a rapture on the lonely shore; There is society where none intrudes; By the deep Sea, and music in its roar. Now, that’s all well and good, but don’t have sex with your sister and don’t sodomize your wife like Byron.”
“Words to live by.”

“My beautiful boy. I love you so much.”

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