Christmas Songs I Kinda Hate

Let’s just dive into the list shall we? These have been on heavy rotation on my Pandora Christmas channel.

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.” The song is about a reindeer that’s excluded and bullied by the other reindeer because he’s got a shiny nose. “And all of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names / They never let poor Rudolph / Join in any reindeer games.”

Only when he does everyone a favor is he accepted. The song basically teaches kids that if you want to be accepted by your peers then don’t look too different. If you do, do what they want and need for you to do to make their lives better if you want to belong.

Where is the Christmas spirit in this song? Where the hell was Santa when Rudolph was getting rejected by his peer and laughed at and called names? He just comes out to ask Rudolph for a favor when he needs him? What a user. This song makes me mad.

Santa Clause Is Coming To Town.” “He sees you when you’re sleeping”? “He knows when you’re awake”? Jesus Christ. Can this song be any creepier? And when has crying and pouting been indicators of moral inferiority? You can’t even feel sad or lousy in this song’s universe of Big Bro Nick and his all seeing consciousness. This is a nightmare, not children’s Christmas song.

Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Or as I like to call it, the “Roofie Date Rape Song.” The duet starts off nice and cute, but the song takes a dark turn when he makes her a drink and she says, “Say, what’s in this drink?”–Rohypnol–“I wish I knew how / To break this spell”–spell, as in about to black out. Sounds like the stuff’s passed the blood-brain barrier, especially when he coos, “Your eyes are like starlight now,” as in her eyes are looking glazed over.

When she insists on leaving, he has the audacity to claim, “What’s the sense in hurting my pride?” Right, your pride. What is she thinking? Her sense of moral integrity and right to say no on one hand; his pride on the other. Conundrum ensues, weighted heavily to his advantage by the roofie. “I really can’t stay,” she says still. Is anyone listening in doubt at this point as to his true intentions when his response is, “Baby don’t hold out”? Inclement weather my ass.

You know she’s starting to lose it when she asks him for his coat. Where’s hers? She had to come over to his place with a coat on in the middle of winter. So where is it? “Talk tomorrow” is the last thing she should be worried about.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas.” So a bunch of people stand outside your door and demand, “Bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer.” Or what? “We won’t go until we get some; We won’t go until we get some; We won’t go until we get some.” What is this? Halloween? And not just that, but “Bring it out here,” they demand.

These are carolers from hell. Certainly not in the spirit of Christmas or Jesus or heaven, certainly. They’re not just demanding, they sound vaguely threatening to me. I want to step out of the house with a baseball bat and tell them where they can put their figgy pudding (which is where figgy pudding belongs because it’s gross.) Merry Christmas, assholes.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause.” Infidelity on Christmas Eve in her own house with her children sleeping upstairs with a man that could easily be her grandfather? This scenario makes for the worst Christmas ever, in my book. The assumption is that Santa is actually the husband the child assumes is sleeping upstairs. But the kid doesn’t have a clue! “Oh, what a laugh it would have been / If Daddy had only seen,” which makes the song suddenly even weirder. Why would his/her daddy seeing mommy kissing another man under the mistletoe make him laugh? The kid is weird.

Santa Baby,” as sung by Michael Buble. I actually like Eartha Kitt’s version which has a seductive, sibilant, feline quality and a strong character/narrative feel. It’s cat woman crooning to Santa her Christmas wishes, which is what makes the materialism of Christmas in the lyrics funny.

But when Michael Buble sings about “Canucks tix” and calling Santa “pally” and “buddy” and “papi,” and, the worst, sings “cha-ching”, I’m grossed out. Who is this guy? And why is he singing to another dude about hooking him up with a Rolex watch and Mercedes Benz? Get it yourself, famous recording artist.

Anything by Josh Groban. I actually enjoy the Christmas songs by Groban, the man-boy who looks like floppy bunny rabbit stuffed animal. The thing that bothers me about the Groban is that he’s got a seasonal voice. It should only be heard during the Holidays. But, of course, he doesn’t stop after Christmas Day. He goes on singing with his Christmas carol voice ALL YEAR LONG.

But I don’t want to end this last X-mas related post on a sour note. I hope that during the next 36 hours of remaining Christmas festivities, you get a chance to enjoy my favorite song of the season: “White Christmas” by Clyde McPhatter & The Drifters. Merry Christmas!

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