No? You haven’t read this darling work of children’s lit to your little one? Well, you must get right on it. At the very least it will titillate and direct your toddler’s facination with all things scatalogical now that potty training is a looming challenge in his or her life. If you haven’t yet finished or started your Christmas shopping, this book is a great idea for kids from one to ninety-two.
If you’re lucky like Baby, then your cousin and great aunt in Korea will send it to you translated from the original German into Korean, which I will now translate into English for those who’ve never had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with the volume or know how to read Korean.
By the way, if you want your own English copy, you can order it on Amazon under the boring ass, santized-for-Western-audiences title, The Story of the Little Mole Who Went in Search of Whodunit. Yawn.
The book opens with a curmudgeonly mole peeking his head out from the ground. And who wouldn’t be a little crusty once a “brown, long, squishy” shit lands on their head first thing in the morning?
Anyway, the incident sets the mole on a mission to go look for the loaf pinching jerk, who didn’t watch where he was crapping.
He first runs into a pigeon, who says to the angry mole, “Me? It wasn’t me. Why would I?” And then adds, “Besides, my shit looks like this,” and proceeds to squirt a white load, some of which can be clearly seen in the illustration splashing on the moles right leg.
The following pages of the story involve the mole approaching other animals and demanding to know if they crapped on his head.
First a horse. The book goes on to describe how five large balls of shit fall with a thud, thud, thud. Thud, thud. Or in Korean it goes, “KOO DANG TANG!” Pretty loud shit. And way too big
Then a rabbit, who’s shit lands with a “TA TA TA!” The book says fifteen shits “spilled” out of the rabbit like black beans (I’m not sure why the authors included the number of lumps, but I really appreciate the educational value of the detail) and the picture shows them bounce off the ground and moving fast to hit our poor mole’s nose. He avoids getting hit on the face with shit by moving back.
The goat‘s shit falls like black eggs with a “OH DOH DANG DOH DANG!” onto the grass. And then the book says something strange: translated in Korean the mole is said to “like the goat’s poop thoroughly.” Why? Maybe becuase it doesn’t bounce towards his face? Whatever the reason, this whole book is already so wonderfully weird that why not.
Next is a cow, whose mustard yellow shit pours out with a “JJAH RUH RUHK!” and puddles by the mole. I love how the mole hides behind the cow’s hind leg to avoid getting splashed.
I’d like to add here that the mole continues to wear that pile of shit on his head. During all the interrogations, he seems to have forgotten about the shit on his head, preoccupied as he is with the shit on his mind. Perhaps it’s to keep it for the sake of comparison, to have the evidence fresh and handy, er, heady.
Anyway, he moves on to a sow. The sow pinches my favorite one of the bunch: shoots out of his sphincter a “PPOO JEE JEEK!” load that sends off a satisfying steam once it lands on the grass.
Frustrated with all the wrong shits, the mole sits to think while he allows a couple of helpful flies to eat up his shit head.
After all that thinking, the mole comes up with the answer. Who else but the dog, Fat Hans? Hans? What the hell kind of name is that for a dog? Recall that the authors are German. Maybe in Germany, they name their dogs Hans a lot
And so the mole sneaks up the roof of Fat Hans’ house and drops a revenge shit right on Hans’ fat head. And if you’re curious, the mole’s shit falls with a “SHOONG!”
Satisfied and smiling, the mole goes back underground. The End.
I love the close up illustrations of each animal’s shit, the frank detailed descriptions of the shits. Let’s not be embarrassed or squeamish or snobby about something we all do, the book seems to say. Stop turning up your nose and take a look.
But what does it all this crap mean? asks your little guy or girl. Someone shits on your head, go find the offending shit-on-head and defecate all over their day. And then go dig a hole and crawl into it with a :).